I have a million great blog ideas that run thru my head during the moments of my day. When I finally stop it seems all the words go running together and I have a hard time sharing what I have been thinking... I've been thinking about so many different things lately while missing our little Jacob something horrible!
Throughout our journey friends and family have continuously said how much they admired our Faith we have shown throughout the process, how it has inspired them... I'm thankful that God has gotten the glory. Yet, I couldn't help but feel like it was a lie.. . I don't feel that God is right here with me everyday. Yes, we have trusted and we still Truly trust that God has a plan for these horrible things that have happened to us. That Jacob had a special purpose in his short life. But Faith... was my faith truly so strong? I can't say that I have felt it throughout this whole process. I have felt a lot of numb and blind believing that because we did everything we could and because after my water broke that our strong boy was able to stay in for six weeks and grow to a strong 5 pounds 9 ounces before arriving in this world on July 26, 2010 at 32 weeks that everything would work out the way that I wanted it to.
At 9 years old I asked Jesus Christ to be my personal Lord and Saviour and at times have followed closely to his word. At 32 years old I have traveled down many different roads some that did not express my faith clearly. While my paths haven't followed as closely to God as I'd like to say, I have never doubted that He is the maker of Heaven and Earth, that He is the Almighty and that He has a plan for my life. I guess you could say I just haven't always listened and at times thought that my plan was a better one... that I had everything under control.
When my lovely daughter Grace was born I found myself drawn back to church. Knowing that I wanted her to know a loving church family, to grow up and know all the Bible stories and songs that I had learned and sang as a child. I became a Sunday visitor. I visited a variety of churches in our area without my husband determined that we would just find a place of worship that I felt moved at even if he chose not to go. I knew that when Matt was ready he would join us and till then I would not pressure him... this was a decision that we each needed to make when we were ready. So, Grace and I found a church and visited when it was convenient. I was delighted that she enjoyed going so much.
In 2009, I began looking for again and continue to search for what God's plan is in my life. As a family in the late summer of 09 we decided that it was time for me to find a position that allowed me to spend more time at home and help give me 'the purpose' that God had in my life. So, I quit my full time job and decided to go back to school to be an RN and work part time at my daughters school. At the moment I thought this was it. I believe that God did lead me to slow down a little and work on my strengthening my marriage, spend time with my daughter, and more. Today while I still would like to be an RN, I am trying desperately to listen quietly to what His 'purpose' is for my life.
Our Angel Jacob began his perfect work the moment that we found out that he was sick on April 28, with fetal urethral obstruction. My husband Matt, found his way back to church with us. I was delighted that we finally were going as a family. In some ways maybe I felt that God had already worked his perfect plan...our little boy was going to be okay.
In the early days of finding out that Jacob was sick I began searching for answers and praying fervently. I found notes from a sermon from Pastor Dave that I had kept titled "Surviving the Setbacks and Storms". In it he talks about the importance of our 'stretcher-bearers' those people that join us in our journey and help carry us to Jesus Christ when we are unable. How important it is to have these people in our lives and to be this for others. During our recent journey and as we continue I see that it is my stretcher-bearers that have helped carry us through this.
So that is it... I do have faith and it continues to grow daily but it's my stretcher-bearers that have carried me to Jesus Christ when I couldn't do it. They've carried me through, praying on my and my families behalf even when I didn't feel the faith, when I was too tired or too numb. They continue to carry my through as I grieve and am trying to find answers that I may not find for weeks, months or years. For everyday we miss Jacob Thomas more than words can say, tears find there way to my cheeks often, I'm numb and not sure what to do, what to say.
Thank you to all our stretcher-bearers both known and unknown... you prayers have meant more than you'll ever know. All my love, Heather
Here are the notes taken from sermon "Surviving the Setbacks and Storms" if you'd like to read it...
II Corinthians 4
(8)We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed...(16) So we do not lose heart...For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all...
Then some people came, bringing to him a paralyzed man, carried by four of them. And when they could not bring him to Jesus because of the crowd, they removed the roof above him; and after having dug through it, they let down the mat on which the paralytic lay. When Jesus saw their faith, he said... "take up your mat and walk."
Do not worry about anything, but in prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Introduction: Four Foundations for Overcoming Setback and Storms
I. An Adequate Understanding of How Life Works(II Corinthians 4)
What role does God play in the storms?
II. A Sufficient Network of "Stretcher-Bearers." (Mark 2:3-5)
Who are your stretcher bearers? Whose stretcher bearer are you?
III. A Healthy Focus in Adversity (Philippians 4:6-7)
People who overcome adversity...
1. Look to everyday as a gift
2. Look for the blessing and give thanks for them.
3. Look at the trials as opportunities to grow.
4. Look in the adversity for ways to make a difference