I find myself like so many other nights tired but I'm not able to fall asleep as a million thoughts run thru my head... It has been a while since I have blogged not for lack of thoughts as I have many partial blogs that I have not yet finished and posted. One of the most important ones to me I just can't seem to find all the right words as I want to recall our precious Jacob's short but powerful life to share. I have many thoughts and ideas, things that I would like to change about myself I feel for the better, a million crafty projects including a scrapbook of all the pictures of our dear boy and more... I'm just taking it one day at a time... searching for special ways to remember Jacob, enjoying every moment with Grace and trying to find a new normal.
Today Grace started back to dance class! I just love watching her show off her new moves and see the pure joy she gets from it. She is all girl!! While she is off learning dance and gymnastics the parents sit and typically chat. A situation that normally I have no problem joining in, sharing and just enjoying the 'mommy' time. Filled with a new group of fellow mommies that I have still to get to know and are completely unaware of our journey this year so far. The conversation finds it way to different surgeries or medical experiences that they have encountered. Some mentioning that staff had commented that they handled the situation calmly. I sat quietly, almost paralyzed unable to interject! I silently recalled Jacob's first surgery only 10 hours after he was born, the days that followed, the conversations with Doctors and Nurses, the 6 weeks I spent in the antepartum unit praying and waiting for his arrival, our moments holding and loving him praying for a last minute miracle of working kidneys that never came. My heart felt like it may jump out of my chest at any moment, shaking and sweety hands I had finally found the words I wanted to share in with the conversation, "I think that as parents we due what we have to do to help our children thru whatever it is that they are facing" But just as I began to speak our dancing fairies emerged from class screaming, "MOMMY!!", to get a break before gymnastics. I smiled and took care of Grace until she skipped to gymnastics. I was able to silently walk away tears running down my eyes, hands shaking, heart pounding to gather myself for a moment.
I truly believe that as parents we due what we need to for our children no matter what the situation. I try and remain calm, sometimes with tears, but always with open ears as to gather all necessary information no matter what the circumstances surrounding us. So that I am able to try and make the best decision even when the unthinkable is presented to me. I think that when the unthinkable is presented to a parent that 'the numbness' helps guide us even when we think we can't.
I want to talk about my children! Grace is easy to talk about! I wanna share Jacob with the world, I want to be able to talk about him to a new person without the fear that my heart may jump out of my chest, that something that I may say may offend them in some way. Please don't be afraid to ask questions. I'm trying to find a way to share his life without concentrating on the fact that he is no longer with us. It is hard because as soon as you share that you lost a child, the room goes silent. I want to talk about my children! Please don't be afraid to listen! He is special and part of my story! I'm trying to learn how to share his story! I know that we are not taught how to deal with death. My understanding and compassion for those that walk this journey with me as well as everyone facing there own 'tragedy' has only grown. Did you know that 2,000 women a day lose a child due to miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death? It's the club that no one every wanted to belong to but are so thankful for the wonderful people that we meet along the way to guide us through our own 'unthinkable'. We all know more people than we think that have walked this journey unfortunately many don't talk about it until it happens to you.
I'm trying to find a new normal where I am not overwhelmed with emotion and I am able to talk about all my children! For they are special to me! In time I hope that I am able to find normal for me.