I don't even know where to begin my mind is all over the place!!! If I began talking about it all well we'd have a novel of my heart, my mind, my own version of crazy!
I struggle daily trying to fight of the devil who enters my mind reminding me of all the mistakes that I have made and my never ending to do list that never seems to get done. So, this morning as the beautiful snow was falling I had my excuse to not go to church, stay snuggled in the warmth of our haven and cry whenever I needed to. So like so many times in this grief journey I made a choice. Today I chose to fight and go to second service at church.
I walk through the doors a number of times every week but something about Sunday and seeing the alter often makes me want to drop to my knees. Often I hear myself screaming WHY God? WHY Me? WHY my family? WHY must we go through this? WHY couldn't we have Jacob for longer? I just want to hold him, have him hold on to my finger, kiss his sweet head... just one more time! Today wasn't any different. I looked over the bulletin only to see that two beautiful infant girls where being baptized today. What a blessing! I want to be those parents showing my beautiful son to the congregation but, his was a baptism of a different kind. On July 28, 2010 with partitions around his bed in the NICU our precious angel was baptized with a blue vial of sterile water. I prayed for healing that day just as I did everyday! I prayed that my precious son would be able to go home with us...
I needed to be in church today! I'm struggling so hard to feel God close to me and to understand the whys or what move I'm supposed to make next! I'm overwhelmed!
The sermon was good! I found myself with tears flowing freely down my cheeks more than once! I'm not used to hurting and showing emotion in public! It is so much easier to say that everything is okay and smile! Please know that there are a number of things that I am joyous about daily but my heart is still broken! I'm crying out loud! I'm searching desperately for answers! I'm searching for meaning!
I am finding new meaning in the Christmas Story! A precious saviour born in a manager! A birth of a different kind! A baby born to die... to die for me and you! I can't even fathom! I want my son back every moment of everyday! Yet Jesus was born knowing that He would suffer, His wounds would be deep for me and you! I couldn't have sent my son to die on a cross! I'm sorry, I'm selfish!!! I would chose my son over and over again! My scars are nothing compared to the nails of the cross! Yet I look over and hold the dot to dot of scars that now decorate my stomach... wishing one of them would have been enough to save Jacob! Reminding me of all my dear son suffered through so that we could have 12 miraculous days!
Are Jesus's scars enough for you? They are enough for all of us to have a miraculous eternity if we so chose!
I find overwhelming sympathy for Mary, Did she know? I see her crying out "It's my son!" Praying that He could just be okay! Praying for one more day to hold him! To love him! Mary I thank you for I can imagine your broken heart and feel the tears that you cried in my soul! I'm thankful that He, Jesus, rose again! I know that had to bring so much joy and hope to you that glorious morning! I know that it brings joy and hope to a Broken and suffering world!
I just want to say that I BELIEVE IN GOD! I do believe that he has my family and I exactly where he wants us! I just don't feel him as close as I'd like! I know that he gave us a number of miracles in our Angel Jacob! I'm truly thankful for every miracle we got! I'm human, I wanted more! I wanted to take him home and hold him and watch him grow! I'm struggling to hang on! I'm crying out loud! I'm grieving! I desperately want to know why! I'm ready to do whatever it is that I am suppose to! Yet, I have a hard time sitting still to listen for that is when the devil likes to play his dirty tricks on me! For now I'll continue learning to cry out loud!
Learning and trying to feel God's presence,
Heather
