Trying to find Normal

I find myself like so many other nights tired but I'm not able to fall asleep as a million thoughts run thru my head... It has been a while since I have blogged not for lack of thoughts as I have many partial blogs that I have not yet finished and posted. One of the most important ones to me I just can't seem to find all the right words as I want to recall our precious Jacob's short but powerful life to share. I have many thoughts and ideas, things that I would like to change about myself I feel for the better, a million crafty projects including a scrapbook of all the pictures of our dear boy and more... I'm just taking it one day at a time... searching for special ways to remember Jacob, enjoying every moment with Grace and trying to find a new normal.

Today Grace started back to dance class! I just love watching her show off her new moves and see the pure joy she gets from it. She is all girl!! While she is off learning dance and gymnastics the parents sit and typically chat. A situation that normally I have no problem joining in, sharing and just enjoying the 'mommy' time. Filled with a new group of fellow mommies that I have still to get to know and are completely unaware of our journey this year so far. The conversation finds it way to different surgeries or medical experiences that they have encountered. Some mentioning that staff had commented that they handled the situation calmly. I sat quietly, almost paralyzed unable to interject! I silently recalled Jacob's first surgery only 10 hours after he was born, the days that followed, the conversations with Doctors and Nurses, the 6 weeks I spent in the antepartum unit praying and waiting for his arrival, our moments holding and loving him praying for a last minute miracle of working kidneys that never came. My heart felt like it may jump out of my chest at any moment, shaking and sweety hands I had finally found the words I wanted to share in with the conversation, "I think that as parents we due what we have to do to help our children thru whatever it is that they are facing" But just as I began to speak our dancing fairies emerged from class screaming, "MOMMY!!", to get a break before gymnastics. I smiled and took care of Grace until she skipped to gymnastics. I was able to silently walk away tears running down my eyes, hands shaking, heart pounding to gather myself for a moment.

I truly believe that as parents we due what we need to for our children no matter what the situation. I try and remain calm, sometimes with tears, but always with open ears as to gather all necessary information no matter what the circumstances surrounding us. So that I am able to try and make the best decision even when the unthinkable is presented to me. I think that when the unthinkable is presented to a parent that 'the numbness' helps guide us even when we think we can't.

I want to talk about my children! Grace is easy to talk about! I wanna share Jacob with the world, I want to be able to talk about him to a new person without the fear that my heart may jump out of my chest, that something that I may say may offend them in some way. Please don't be afraid to ask questions. I'm trying to find a way to share his life without concentrating on the fact that he is no longer with us. It is hard because as soon as you share that you lost a child, the room goes silent. I want to talk about my children! Please don't be afraid to listen! He is special and part of my story! I'm trying to learn how to share his story! I know that we are not taught how to deal with death. My understanding and compassion for those that walk this journey with me as well as everyone facing there own 'tragedy' has only grown. Did you know that 2,000 women a day lose a child due to miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death? It's the club that no one every wanted to belong to but are so thankful for the wonderful people that we meet along the way to guide us through our own 'unthinkable'. We all know more people than we think that have walked this journey unfortunately many don't talk about it until it happens to you.

I'm trying to find a new normal where I am not overwhelmed with emotion and I am able to talk about all my children! For they are special to me! In time I hope that I am able to find normal for me.

Choosing to be Thankful!

Thanks to a night with a wonderfully faithful and inspirational women that has traveled a similar road. Then jumping on facebook and finding out a friend has sadly joined the group of mothers who have lost infants far to soon. I was reminded of all the blessings that the Lord has bestowed on us as we traveled this journey, throughout our lives and continous to daily. So, as I layed my head down to sleep I prayed for strength and guidance.... I thanked the Lord for blessing us with the time we did have with Jacob and for our healthy loving Gracie!

When we learned that we where expecting our second child we where filled with excitement! We anticipated that this would be an easy pregnancy and couldn't wait to welcome our new little one home! At the same time we discovered that a number of friends would also be welcoming there own new bundle of joy into there lives when our Child arrived. How great would it be for them all to play and grow up together, life couldn't be better! Plus, Gracie was sooo excited that she would be a big sister! She couldn't wait to tell her little brother what to do:) Man was she wrong... little Jacob wasn't going to have anyone tell him what to do!

Jacob was actually due on September 17, 2010. So, as we approach his due date our friends are welcoming home there bundle of joys. While our bundle of joy rests peacefully in the arms of the ultimate Father.

So unsure of how to handle this for we are truly excited for our friends but, our heart aches for our dear Jacob! I'm thankful for a fabulous NICU nurse(thanks Melissa B) that has two angels in heaven that shared with me in the hospital that she consciously decided to be happy for her friends while her heart ached. So, I have taken this advice to heart from the moment that we left the hospital without Jacob packed snugly in his car seat heading home with us for God had other plans and instead he went to Heaven. So, whatever I have encountered... a friend sharing a problem in there life... I choose to recognize that this is a true concern in there life, someone making a comment that hurts... I choose to realize that they are only trying to comfort and they really don't know what to say, As our friends welcome there bundle of joys home... I choose to welcome them with joy and open arms just as they have comforted us through our journey.

It's often times so easy to get wrapped up in what we didn't get that I think we forget about what we did. So, I'm THANKFUL TO GOD! I'm THANKFUL TO GOD for answering our prayers and continuing to direct our paths! "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6 I'm thankful for every second we had with Jacob! I'm thankful for his strong heart! I'm thankful that his lungs worked! I'm thankful for our parents that protected and watched over us so we could be with Jacob continuously! I'm thankful for our friends and wonderful nurses that guided us! I'm thankful for having over 12 days with our precious boy... some parents wish for the time we had! I'm thankful for our loving daughter that continues to make us smile even when tears threaten to take over! I'm thankful for the beauty of children! I'm thankful for my children!

While I'm still praying often for strength and guidance because the life I had planned has been shaken to the core. I thank God for the strength that he has given me. I'm praying for guidance so that I know where to go next... I want to show our strong boy Jacob's heart in everything I do, I want to share Gracie's amazing loving nature, I want to be a Fabulous wife, mother, daughter and friend. So I continue to take it slow and hope to hear God's plan in the process.

Forever and Always THANKFUL for the grace and love that God surrounds me with!

Patiently waiting...

So it is... Faith

I have a million great blog ideas that run thru my head during the moments of my day. When I finally stop it seems all the words go running together and I have a hard time sharing what I have been thinking... I've been thinking about so many different things lately while missing our little Jacob something horrible!

Throughout our journey friends and family have continuously said how much they admired our Faith we have shown throughout the process, how it has inspired them... I'm thankful that God has gotten the glory. Yet, I couldn't help but feel like it was a lie.. . I don't feel that God is right here with me everyday. Yes, we have trusted and we still Truly trust that God has a plan for these horrible things that have happened to us. That Jacob had a special purpose in his short life. But Faith... was my faith truly so strong? I can't say that I have felt it throughout this whole process. I have felt a lot of numb and blind believing that because we did everything we could and because after my water broke that our strong boy was able to stay in for six weeks and grow to a strong 5 pounds 9 ounces before arriving in this world on July 26, 2010 at 32 weeks that everything would work out the way that I wanted it to.

At 9 years old I asked Jesus Christ to be my personal Lord and Saviour and at times have followed closely to his word. At 32 years old I have traveled down many different roads some that did not express my faith clearly. While my paths haven't followed as closely to God as I'd like to say, I have never doubted that He is the maker of Heaven and Earth, that He is the Almighty and that He has a plan for my life. I guess you could say I just haven't always listened and at times thought that my plan was a better one... that I had everything under control.

When my lovely daughter Grace was born I found myself drawn back to church. Knowing that I wanted her to know a loving church family, to grow up and know all the Bible stories and songs that I had learned and sang as a child. I became a Sunday visitor. I visited a variety of churches in our area without my husband determined that we would just find a place of worship that I felt moved at even if he chose not to go. I knew that when Matt was ready he would join us and till then I would not pressure him... this was a decision that we each needed to make when we were ready. So, Grace and I found a church and visited when it was convenient. I was delighted that she enjoyed going so much.

In 2009, I began looking for again and continue to search for what God's plan is in my life. As a family in the late summer of 09 we decided that it was time for me to find a position that allowed me to spend more time at home and help give me 'the purpose' that God had in my life. So, I quit my full time job and decided to go back to school to be an RN and work part time at my daughters school. At the moment I thought this was it. I believe that God did lead me to slow down a little and work on my strengthening my marriage, spend time with my daughter, and more. Today while I still would like to be an RN, I am trying desperately to listen quietly to what His 'purpose' is for my life.

Our Angel Jacob began his perfect work the moment that we found out that he was sick on April 28, with fetal urethral obstruction. My husband Matt, found his way back to church with us. I was delighted that we finally were going as a family. In some ways maybe I felt that God had already worked his perfect plan...our little boy was going to be okay.

In the early days of finding out that Jacob was sick I began searching for answers and praying fervently. I found notes from a sermon from Pastor Dave that I had kept titled "Surviving the Setbacks and Storms". In it he talks about the importance of our 'stretcher-bearers' those people that join us in our journey and help carry us to Jesus Christ when we are unable. How important it is to have these people in our lives and to be this for others. During our recent journey and as we continue I see that it is my stretcher-bearers that have helped carry us through this.

So that is it... I do have faith and it continues to grow daily but it's my stretcher-bearers that have carried me to Jesus Christ when I couldn't do it. They've carried me through, praying on my and my families behalf even when I didn't feel the faith, when I was too tired or too numb. They continue to carry my through as I grieve and am trying to find answers that I may not find for weeks, months or years. For everyday we miss Jacob Thomas more than words can say, tears find there way to my cheeks often, I'm numb and not sure what to do, what to say.

Thank you to all our stretcher-bearers both known and unknown... you prayers have meant more than you'll ever know. All my love, Heather

Here are the notes taken from sermon "Surviving the Setbacks and Storms" if you'd like to read it...

II Corinthians 4
(8)We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed...(16) So we do not lose heart...For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all...

Mark 2:3-5
Then some people came, bringing to him a paralyzed man, carried by four of them. And when they could not bring him to Jesus because of the crowd, they removed the roof above him; and after having dug through it, they let down the mat on which the paralytic lay. When Jesus saw their faith, he said... "take up your mat and walk."

Philippians 4:6-7
Do not worry about anything, but in prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Introduction: Four Foundations for Overcoming Setback and Storms
I. An Adequate Understanding of How Life Works(II Corinthians 4)
What role does God play in the storms?

II. A Sufficient Network of "Stretcher-Bearers." (Mark 2:3-5)
Who are your stretcher bearers? Whose stretcher bearer are you?

III. A Healthy Focus in Adversity (Philippians 4:6-7)
People who overcome adversity...
1. Look to everyday as a gift
2. Look for the blessing and give thanks for them.
3. Look at the trials as opportunities to grow.
4. Look in the adversity for ways to make a difference