April 28...2 years later

I can't believe that it has been two years today since we walked into what we thought would just be an ultrasound to find out if we where having a beautiful girl or boy. I will never look at the world the way I did before we walked into the Doctor's office that day! The day that my world as I knew it would be forever changed... I believe that change isn't always a bad thing but, it is definitely not easy! I know that God has a plan for my life. I'm working hard on following it but, it is hard! I quit my job and decided to go back to school before we found out that we where pregnant with our Precious Boy Jacob! God had a hand in it. He knew that I would need time to be with Jacob, time to mourn, time to heal. I'm thankful for that time! My career change from Business to Nursing(I'll share more about this at a later date) isn't an easy one. I'm in the final days of my first year of Nursing school with 4 test and 12 days to go! I'm exhausted and at the moment would like to just crawl in a corner and sleep for a while! I truly feel this is where I am suppose to be! I pray that God continues to guide me, to give me strength, to give my family strength to deal with me! I pray that the skills that I am learning know and in the next year will be used to touched peoples lives! I pray that for everyone that is suffering that God wraps his arms around them and surrounds them with love! I've always been a caring person but, my heart truly aches for those who are suffering. Today, I stood with a dear friend as she said goodbye to her amazing Mom. My heart cries for her, for her family but, I know that She is at peace, surrounded by the love of God and happier than we can ever imagine! I take peace in that! I hope that we each remember to forgive, to love and that God has an amazing place waiting for us in Heaven! Love you always and forever sweet Jacob!

Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven Jacob Thomas

July 26, 2011... Jacob Thomas's Heavenly 1st Birthday!


In honor of our Jacob's Birthday we spent the day as a family with a few friends that joined us for some special moments throughout the day!

We watched Fitz's mix the famous soda and enjoyed some yummy food! Off to the City Museum for some crawling thru tunnels, riding trains, watching a circus, sliding down slides and tons of exploring. This was our first trip to the City Museum but not our last as I feel like we only touch the surface on all the amazing things they have to explore.

A little rest...

Off to the cemetery...
With a balloon in each of our hands and a special new stepping stone for Jacob. With our best singing voices we sang Happy Birthday to our special boy! Gracie sent her balloon to heaven with the help of the wind!

At home as the sun began to set we lit our special lantern filled it with love and sent it to Jacob!

Happy Birthday sweet boy! I miss you so much! I love you with all my heart forever and always!

Right where I am: 10 months, 25 days.

It has been almost 11 months since we held our precious miracle boy for the first time! Actually we didn't get to hold Jacob in our arms the first day but, he was showered with kisses and I got to hold his hands, touch him and just look in awe at our beautiful boy. My amazing son that I had the joy of watching so closely on ultrasound after ultrasound as we endured the pain of amnio's and fetal surgery. Such a joy to see his perfectly plump little cheeks, feel his soft baby skin and thank God that he had made it out of the delivery room.

I could still feel his hand in mine when I closed my eyes after he went to Heaven. I can't feel his hand in mine anymore when I close my eyes and I would love to...just one more time!

A year ago today Jacob and I where trying to get through day 19 in the hospital praying that he would grow and that we would make it to 34 weeks. I was taking it day by day and praying that our little boy would be able to grow big enough to be eligible for dialysis and this his amniotic deprieved lungs would work enough to sustain life. A year later I wish I was back in that hospital bed with a little hope that our boy would defeat all odds and we could bring him home!
These days I find myself in a fog. I'd like to go hide. I don't have the energy or desire to get things done. This journey is overwhelming at times. We are hitting our first anniversary dates and it just doesn't seem right that Jacob is not with us. I dreamed of him, I knew he would be a boy long before the doctors ever confirmed it. This year we will celebrate his first birthday with him watching just out of our reach with a birthday cake that he will never taste or smear all over his face. Oh how I wish that I could watch him make a mess of his cake!
When I first arrived home from the hospital after holding Jacob for the last time and kissing his precious face goodbye I went quickly into Mom mode. I was so worried about our 3 year old daughter, Grace. I knew that just like us she had wished and dreamed of the day that she would be a big sister. (In December of 2009 she asked Santa for a baby brother.) She was confused on why Momma had stayed in the hospital for 8 weeks to help baby Jacob but, he didn't get better. I wanted with all my heart to help her understand and to let her know that not all babies go to Heaven. I couldn't fix Jacob and make him better but, I would try my hardest to help his Amazing Big Sister find her way through this even if I didn't understand how I was going to get through it. So, in the beginning I believe I pushed myself to make sure that she was okay.
I vowed to be patient with myself from the start. We had traveled this journey publicly and I would travel this grief journey publicly as well. I'm not used to wearing my feelings on my sleeve. I'm really good at sweeping the tough stuff under the rug and journeying on as if everything is just fine. Missing Jacob I wanted to make sure that I let my heart heal.
The reality is that everything is not fine. We will never be the same people that we where before this journey. I miss Jacob every single day! I'd love to hold him just one more time! These days I'm numb and overwhelmed with my grief. As I said earlier I just feel like I should be in the hospital holding on to a thread of hope that he would make it. I wish that no one had to travel this path! I'm overwhelmed with tears!

I'm not a shy person but find myself anxious to meet new people for the dreaded question, "Do you have any children?" or "How many children do you have?" I will mention my Angel Jacob because I do have 2 children. Grace does amazing with this question... "I have a baby brother but he's in Heaven" We talk about Jacob all the time in our house. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that Grace is doing amazing.

I know that God has a special plan for our journey. I pray that I am able to help others in there journey. My special purpose for being Jacob's Momma? Maybe. I'm still trying to work this all out. Answers I may never find on this earth but, I can't wait to see what God's doing with all this.

Jacob, Happy 7 months old!

Well, tomorrow you would be 7 months old. WOW! I wish I could hold you! I wish I could cover your precious face with kisses just one more time. I wonder every moment what you'd be doing if you where still here with us! Your big sister misses you! I hope that you can hear all her precious songs she sings to you in heaven! Tonight I find myself drawn to blog but my eyes are filled with tears! So I send you this message instead...

We miss you everyday! We miss you in every way!

I'm sure your loving heaven! What a beautiful place to call home!

I love you forever and always!

Love,
Momma

A new meaning...

I don't even know where to begin my mind is all over the place!!! If I began talking about it all well we'd have a novel of my heart, my mind, my own version of crazy!

I struggle daily trying to fight of the devil who enters my mind reminding me of all the mistakes that I have made and my never ending to do list that never seems to get done. So, this morning as the beautiful snow was falling I had my excuse to not go to church, stay snuggled in the warmth of our haven and cry whenever I needed to. So like so many times in this grief journey I made a choice. Today I chose to fight and go to second service at church.

I walk through the doors a number of times every week but something about Sunday and seeing the alter often makes me want to drop to my knees. Often I hear myself screaming WHY God? WHY Me? WHY my family? WHY must we go through this? WHY couldn't we have Jacob for longer? I just want to hold him, have him hold on to my finger, kiss his sweet head... just one more time! Today wasn't any different. I looked over the bulletin only to see that two beautiful infant girls where being baptized today. What a blessing! I want to be those parents showing my beautiful son to the congregation but, his was a baptism of a different kind. On July 28, 2010 with partitions around his bed in the NICU our precious angel was baptized with a blue vial of sterile water. I prayed for healing that day just as I did everyday! I prayed that my precious son would be able to go home with us...

I needed to be in church today! I'm struggling so hard to feel God close to me and to understand the whys or what move I'm supposed to make next! I'm overwhelmed!

The sermon was good! I found myself with tears flowing freely down my cheeks more than once! I'm not used to hurting and showing emotion in public! It is so much easier to say that everything is okay and smile! Please know that there are a number of things that I am joyous about daily but my heart is still broken! I'm crying out loud! I'm searching desperately for answers! I'm searching for meaning!

I am finding new meaning in the Christmas Story! A precious saviour born in a manager! A birth of a different kind! A baby born to die... to die for me and you! I can't even fathom! I want my son back every moment of everyday! Yet Jesus was born knowing that He would suffer, His wounds would be deep for me and you! I couldn't have sent my son to die on a cross! I'm sorry, I'm selfish!!! I would chose my son over and over again! My scars are nothing compared to the nails of the cross! Yet I look over and hold the dot to dot of scars that now decorate my stomach... wishing one of them would have been enough to save Jacob! Reminding me of all my dear son suffered through so that we could have 12 miraculous days!

Are Jesus's scars enough for you? They are enough for all of us to have a miraculous eternity if we so chose!

I find overwhelming sympathy for Mary, Did she know? I see her crying out "It's my son!" Praying that He could just be okay! Praying for one more day to hold him! To love him! Mary I thank you for I can imagine your broken heart and feel the tears that you cried in my soul! I'm thankful that He, Jesus, rose again! I know that had to bring so much joy and hope to you that glorious morning! I know that it brings joy and hope to a Broken and suffering world!

I just want to say that I BELIEVE IN GOD! I do believe that he has my family and I exactly where he wants us! I just don't feel him as close as I'd like! I know that he gave us a number of miracles in our Angel Jacob! I'm truly thankful for every miracle we got! I'm human, I wanted more! I wanted to take him home and hold him and watch him grow! I'm struggling to hang on! I'm crying out loud! I'm grieving! I desperately want to know why! I'm ready to do whatever it is that I am suppose to! Yet, I have a hard time sitting still to listen for that is when the devil likes to play his dirty tricks on me! For now I'll continue learning to cry out loud!

Learning and trying to feel God's presence,
Heather

Trying to find Normal

I find myself like so many other nights tired but I'm not able to fall asleep as a million thoughts run thru my head... It has been a while since I have blogged not for lack of thoughts as I have many partial blogs that I have not yet finished and posted. One of the most important ones to me I just can't seem to find all the right words as I want to recall our precious Jacob's short but powerful life to share. I have many thoughts and ideas, things that I would like to change about myself I feel for the better, a million crafty projects including a scrapbook of all the pictures of our dear boy and more... I'm just taking it one day at a time... searching for special ways to remember Jacob, enjoying every moment with Grace and trying to find a new normal.

Today Grace started back to dance class! I just love watching her show off her new moves and see the pure joy she gets from it. She is all girl!! While she is off learning dance and gymnastics the parents sit and typically chat. A situation that normally I have no problem joining in, sharing and just enjoying the 'mommy' time. Filled with a new group of fellow mommies that I have still to get to know and are completely unaware of our journey this year so far. The conversation finds it way to different surgeries or medical experiences that they have encountered. Some mentioning that staff had commented that they handled the situation calmly. I sat quietly, almost paralyzed unable to interject! I silently recalled Jacob's first surgery only 10 hours after he was born, the days that followed, the conversations with Doctors and Nurses, the 6 weeks I spent in the antepartum unit praying and waiting for his arrival, our moments holding and loving him praying for a last minute miracle of working kidneys that never came. My heart felt like it may jump out of my chest at any moment, shaking and sweety hands I had finally found the words I wanted to share in with the conversation, "I think that as parents we due what we have to do to help our children thru whatever it is that they are facing" But just as I began to speak our dancing fairies emerged from class screaming, "MOMMY!!", to get a break before gymnastics. I smiled and took care of Grace until she skipped to gymnastics. I was able to silently walk away tears running down my eyes, hands shaking, heart pounding to gather myself for a moment.

I truly believe that as parents we due what we need to for our children no matter what the situation. I try and remain calm, sometimes with tears, but always with open ears as to gather all necessary information no matter what the circumstances surrounding us. So that I am able to try and make the best decision even when the unthinkable is presented to me. I think that when the unthinkable is presented to a parent that 'the numbness' helps guide us even when we think we can't.

I want to talk about my children! Grace is easy to talk about! I wanna share Jacob with the world, I want to be able to talk about him to a new person without the fear that my heart may jump out of my chest, that something that I may say may offend them in some way. Please don't be afraid to ask questions. I'm trying to find a way to share his life without concentrating on the fact that he is no longer with us. It is hard because as soon as you share that you lost a child, the room goes silent. I want to talk about my children! Please don't be afraid to listen! He is special and part of my story! I'm trying to learn how to share his story! I know that we are not taught how to deal with death. My understanding and compassion for those that walk this journey with me as well as everyone facing there own 'tragedy' has only grown. Did you know that 2,000 women a day lose a child due to miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death? It's the club that no one every wanted to belong to but are so thankful for the wonderful people that we meet along the way to guide us through our own 'unthinkable'. We all know more people than we think that have walked this journey unfortunately many don't talk about it until it happens to you.

I'm trying to find a new normal where I am not overwhelmed with emotion and I am able to talk about all my children! For they are special to me! In time I hope that I am able to find normal for me.

Choosing to be Thankful!

Thanks to a night with a wonderfully faithful and inspirational women that has traveled a similar road. Then jumping on facebook and finding out a friend has sadly joined the group of mothers who have lost infants far to soon. I was reminded of all the blessings that the Lord has bestowed on us as we traveled this journey, throughout our lives and continous to daily. So, as I layed my head down to sleep I prayed for strength and guidance.... I thanked the Lord for blessing us with the time we did have with Jacob and for our healthy loving Gracie!

When we learned that we where expecting our second child we where filled with excitement! We anticipated that this would be an easy pregnancy and couldn't wait to welcome our new little one home! At the same time we discovered that a number of friends would also be welcoming there own new bundle of joy into there lives when our Child arrived. How great would it be for them all to play and grow up together, life couldn't be better! Plus, Gracie was sooo excited that she would be a big sister! She couldn't wait to tell her little brother what to do:) Man was she wrong... little Jacob wasn't going to have anyone tell him what to do!

Jacob was actually due on September 17, 2010. So, as we approach his due date our friends are welcoming home there bundle of joys. While our bundle of joy rests peacefully in the arms of the ultimate Father.

So unsure of how to handle this for we are truly excited for our friends but, our heart aches for our dear Jacob! I'm thankful for a fabulous NICU nurse(thanks Melissa B) that has two angels in heaven that shared with me in the hospital that she consciously decided to be happy for her friends while her heart ached. So, I have taken this advice to heart from the moment that we left the hospital without Jacob packed snugly in his car seat heading home with us for God had other plans and instead he went to Heaven. So, whatever I have encountered... a friend sharing a problem in there life... I choose to recognize that this is a true concern in there life, someone making a comment that hurts... I choose to realize that they are only trying to comfort and they really don't know what to say, As our friends welcome there bundle of joys home... I choose to welcome them with joy and open arms just as they have comforted us through our journey.

It's often times so easy to get wrapped up in what we didn't get that I think we forget about what we did. So, I'm THANKFUL TO GOD! I'm THANKFUL TO GOD for answering our prayers and continuing to direct our paths! "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6 I'm thankful for every second we had with Jacob! I'm thankful for his strong heart! I'm thankful that his lungs worked! I'm thankful for our parents that protected and watched over us so we could be with Jacob continuously! I'm thankful for our friends and wonderful nurses that guided us! I'm thankful for having over 12 days with our precious boy... some parents wish for the time we had! I'm thankful for our loving daughter that continues to make us smile even when tears threaten to take over! I'm thankful for the beauty of children! I'm thankful for my children!

While I'm still praying often for strength and guidance because the life I had planned has been shaken to the core. I thank God for the strength that he has given me. I'm praying for guidance so that I know where to go next... I want to show our strong boy Jacob's heart in everything I do, I want to share Gracie's amazing loving nature, I want to be a Fabulous wife, mother, daughter and friend. So I continue to take it slow and hope to hear God's plan in the process.

Forever and Always THANKFUL for the grace and love that God surrounds me with!

Patiently waiting...